Intense leaders have an impactful presence: they inspire their teams when they share their purpose and focus with compassion and vulnerability, as a result, they are able to drive their teams toward success. And yet, the focus and intensity such leaders bring could trigger negative reactions in others.
A crucial aspect of healthy intensity is the courage to engage in difficult conversations when such situations occur.
In my experience,I’ve found that the true test of a leader’s character lies in their willingness to navigate uncomfortable situations with empathy and authenticity. This means being at peace with the discomfort of human emotions, even when they arise from decisions we’ve made.
Consider a common scenario in the workplace: you’ve allocated resources for a high-profile project, but one team member, let’s call him John, wasn’t included. It’s a seemingly simple decision that could potentially stir feelings of exclusion in John. As leaders, it’s essential to recognize the impact our choices can have on others and to confront these situations with courage and compassion.
The first step is to become aware of your own default reactions and biases in difficult situations. Do you start seeking external validation for your decisions? Do you fear conflict or dislike being disliked? Do you judge John and want to control your team members’ reactions? Understanding our own default tendencies enables us to approach conversations with clarity and intentionality.
When you observe changes in behaviour, such as John becoming more reserved or avoiding eye contact, it’s an opportunity to engage in dialogue. Rather than shying away from discomfort, lean into it with empathy and curiosity. Acknowledge the observed changes without passing judgment, and express your genuine interest in understanding John’s perspective.
Approaching the conversation with a neutral mindset is key. Take a moment to center yourself, connect with your breath, and set a clear intention for the discussion. Let John know that you’ve noticed his behaviour shift and inquire about how recent decisions may have impacted him.
Listening attentively is paramount. Be open to hearing John’s thoughts and feelings without rushing to justify or defend your decisions. Remember, it’s okay to embrace differences and acknowledge that not everyone will agree with our choices.
In communicating the rationale behind your decision, strive for transparency and authenticity. Help John understand the intention behind the allocation while emphasizing your commitment to fostering a collaborative and inclusive environment.
As Stephen Covey said, “We judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their behaviour.” By approaching difficult conversations with empathy and courage, and being ok with the negative feelings those conversations might bring to you, we demonstrate our commitment to healthy intensity in leadership. Embracing discomfort and accepting differences ultimately strengthens team dynamics and fosters a culture of trust and respect.
So in summary when having a difficult conversation:
- Focus on your observations, not your judgment
- Listen in silence, put your full attention on another person
- Be genuinely curious
- Accept the momentary discomfort of being disliked or not in control
- Communicate your intention
- Ask what would help to bring some resolution to a situation?
Difficult conversations are an integral part of being an impactful and empathetic leader. By confronting discomfort with authenticity and empathy, we not only nurture stronger relationships but also cultivate environments where everyone feels heard, valued, and empowered to bring their best.