So often, I hear leaders recount a version of this story:
“I was in a board meeting, presenting data my team and I had meticulously researched. Midway through, someone interrupted me—aggressively, dismissively—and challenged my conclusions. They hadn’t even listened properly to what I was saying.”
Sounds familiar?
It’s natural to feel triggered in such situations. You and your team put in tremendous effort, and now someone’s dismissing it in a way that feels disrespectful.
At that moment, what do you notice in your body? Does your stomach tense? Shoulders tighten? Perhaps your cheeks flush? Then comes the critical juncture: what happens next? Do you default to justifying your position, trying to prove your worth? Or do you escalate, dismissing their argument? Maybe you freeze, outwardly conceding but feeling resentment bubble inside. Recognizing these physical signals is key to reclaiming your agency. They’re your body’s way of telling you it’s time to choose—to shift from your instinctive “lizard brain” to the Prefrontal Cortex, the CEO of your mind.
What if, instead of reacting, you leaned into extreme curiosity?
- Pause. Breathe. Ask a question—one that invites the other person to fully express their perspective.
- Challenge yourself to find just 10% of their argument that resonates with you. Yes, even in the hardest moments, you can find something.
- When they’ve finished, acknowledge that 10%—and here’s the key—transition with “AND”, not “BUT”.
For example: “You’re right, there’s a valid point in [their argument]. AND here’s another perspective I’d like to share…” This approach does two things:
- It calms your nervous system, channeling the intensity into purpose rather than proving.
- It fosters connection, turning potential conflict into a foundation for collaboration and innovation.
This is what I call Healthy Intensity—harnessing your energy, staying rooted in your purpose, and responding from a place of nothing to prove.
Last week, Alina Addison and I led a networking session for Columbia Business School alumni (@CBS Alumni Club). Initially, most participants didn’t know each other. Yet, within 30 minutes of discussing Audacious Leadership and Healthy Intensity, they uncovered profound commonalities in their challenges.
One participant shared: “It is quite lonely at the top. You build a great team, yet you’re expected to show up in a certain way. This event reminded me I’m not alone—that many leaders face similar challenges.”
Your Call to Action: In your next board meeting or challenging conversation, practice the 10% Commonality exercise. Find that small point of agreement, acknowledge it with “AND,” and watch how the dynamics shift.
Lean into connection. Lean into #healthyintensity. And lead with #audacity.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates!