At our everywomanNetwork EQ webinar in February 2020, we posed a question – Which one of the EQ competencies do you think has the lowest score for you?  The highest proportion of the 150 women in attendance, believed Self-Confidence was their lowest EQ muscle. 

The results are consistent with my findings from having analysed and interpreted hundreds of EQ ECR reports in the last few years. Confidence is still a strong force holding women back at the beginning of the new decade and as we approach International Women’s Day.

In their 2014 article entitled “The Confidence Gap”, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman argued that in order to succeed, confidence mattered as much as competence. Since then, thousands of articles have been written on the topic. So why do women continue to suffer from an acute lack of confidence?

The elusive nature of confidence has intrigued many.  In RocheMartin’s Emotional Capital Report (ECR) psychometric that I chose to use with all my clients, Self-Confidence is one the 10 x EQ competencies that differentiate a great leader from an average one. And self-competence is one of the 3 emotional components of Confidence. The other 2 are self-liking and self-assurance. And all these 3 components can be flexed up to help you gain confidence.

Confidence is essentially the ability to accept and respect yourself and like the person you are. Most people think confidence is a prerequisite of success. The truth is, confidence is a consequence of success.  It is the consequence of having the courage to try and fail and try again, until you succeed.  

How many times are you willing to fail?  In Project Kairos, my community of extraordinary coaches, we celebrate the power of the “1000s Nos”, as defined by Byron Katie in her books (one of which is “A thousand names for joy”).  Becoming fearless in the face of failure and rejection.  If you are willing to hear 1000s Nos, you will get an extraordinary Yes at the end of it.

And so I ask my clients to substitute Confidence with Courage.  Do you have the courage to step outside of your comfort zone?  To stay in the stretching zone where you learn and grow? That’s how you gain confidence along the way.

You will usually act on the outside consistently with the picture you have of yourself on the inside. And the more you like yourself, the higher the standards you set for yourself. The higher the standards, the longer you will persist in achieving them.

It usually starts with recognizing and accepting your feelings. Feelings are the most important way of understanding your emotional experience. Managing your negative self-talk. Do you find yourself saying things like: “People like me can't do that”, “I’ve never been good at...”, “I don’t deserve it”? You need to learn to suspend judgement of yourself. Let go of the idea you need the approval of others to be accepted. And finally, you must develop an attitude of gratitude towards yourself and your unique qualities.

Today is my daughter’s 13th birthday. When I asked her how confident she feels she is, she replied 7/10.  Higher than average. I was proud and curious to find out what’s missing.

If you are curious about your actual score in each of the 10 EQ muscles, including Self-Confidence please get in touch with us at: office@adaptaa.co.uk. Our Self-Confidence webinar is on 7 July 20.

And if you want to build courage, join us at our Courageous Leaders Retreat on 1-4 October 2020: https://www.extramileretreats.com/

ADA, 5 March 2020